Recently, I went on a 10 mile bike ride in the rain. Yes, in the rain on purpose. (There was no lightning, Mom! I was safe!) A little preface-- I used to always say in another life I was a storm chaser. Growing up, I LOVED when storms hit, the bigger the better. While at times fear-instilling, there is just something so incredible about the power of the elements. Maybe I'm thrilled by crazy weather because I've never personally experienced anything truly catastrophic in my life thus far. In any case, you could often find me during thunderstorms outside twirling around in the wet field grass wearing baggy sweats and mascara streaming down my face, feeling happy and alive. My mom would chuckle and shake her head, and let me go live my best life for a little while before reminding me of an ancestor that was killed by lightning strike, and herd her crazy chick back indoors.
When it's hailing, I want to feel it hit against me. When bolts and flashes lit the sky, I want a better view. Even still, as a mother in my 30s, I've on occasion snuck out during rainstorms to feel, smell, and be--letting it soak my hair and clothes. Well, recently I was having a bit of an emotional day, one of those "trapped in a funk, thinking about life's challenges, unsure what to do, blah" kind of days. It was overcast and gloomy, and rain misted and drizzled lightly off and on. The idea of a bike ride sparked in my brain and made me feel a flutter of excitement (even though my legs were still recovering from the last 10 mile bike ride I'd recently done with my oldest daughter). I packed a little bag with snacks, a water bottle, and my bike lock. I donned my gloves to keep my fingers nimble, and pulled on a headband to block rain drops from racing down into my eyes. Then, I went out, grabbed my bike, started a favorite music playlist in my airpods, and headed off to the trail. Going for a bike ride doesn't solve all your problems in life. And I will tell you, because you must know, it might not even make all (or any) of them make sense. But what going for a bike ride in the rain did for me was this:
I've seen lots of rainbows in my life, and I know that scientifically the fact that because it had been drizzly weather and then the sun shone brightly thru, droplets and light and reflection and yada yada.... That said, it felt special, like it was for me. The thought I had randomly to stop and look around. I needed that rainbow, and someone knew, ya know? At least, that's what I believe. It lifted my spirits for a minute or two, at which point the sun went back behind the clouds and I watched that rainbow visibly fade away into disappearance right before my eyes. These are the little experiences, the glimmers as some might call them, that we tuck into the pockets of our hearts and memories, that carry us with hope from one moment to the next when times feel heavy or challenging. I pray I will always have eyes to see and ears to hear those fleeting rainbow offerings for me. They may be fleeting, but they mean something, and make even a moment feel so much better. What are your fleeting rainbows that carry you through?
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A while back, the boys had a bit of a tousle. Z (5) was rough with O (7) and that hurt O’s feelings, so O decided to get rough back and hurt Z. Both boys were upset and sad, and said some hurtful things to each other. I hadn’t heard what had happened because initially, I had been in the middle of a project in another room. However, I suddenly felt impressed to stop and be available for my kids. I wanted to type more and get more recorded. But every time I kept trying to type, the nudge to stop grew stronger. Now was the time to stop. As I closed my computer, I heard Z sounding sad in his room. I went to him and he said he'd hurt O, and O hurt him, and then he said he didn't want to be near O because O keeps hurting him, and O told him he might never give him a hug ever again. He was feeling upset, and also really sad at the prospect of never getting more hugs from his brother.
I said, "Okay, I'm going to go get O and talk with him." I called O up from where he was playing downstairs. I shared what Z had said to me and asked O why he did and said those things back, making the problem worse, instead of being a peacemaker. O paused and thought for a moment before saying, "I just got really angry." We pinpointed together that the reason why he behaved that way was he let anger get big fast, and he didn't stop to calm down and use self control. His face looked sad and disheartened. Discouraged. Losing his temper and the behavior that typically followed had been a common struggle for this boy. I had him sit with me and shared some thoughts. "O, our thoughts are super powerful. The thoughts we choose to think about more often, can change how our emotions feel inside. We' can't always control what thoughts pop in our brains and that's okay, but we can choose what to do with the thoughts that come, whether we believe them and keep them, or not. We can also choose to think a different thought over and over to help us get rid of a thought we don't want. We can remember happy times, times we're grateful for, things that other people have done for us that made us feel love in our heart, so many things that can help our hearts and minds feel better inside. And that can help us let go of the thoughts of anger. What are some memories and things you can think of that have made you feel happy or joy or grateful before?" O thought and suddenly smiled, and tears started falling down his cheeks. He told me of some happy memories he was thinking about, including one when his grandparents had gotten him a special stuffy he really wanted. He said "Mom, I think I'm crying happy tears now! I feel so happy inside and… just… tears just keep coming!" He threw his arms around me and said through a muffled voice because his face was buried into my shoulder "Thank you for being the best Mom ever and helping me remember happy memories!" My heart burst. It was so sweet. I felt God in that hug from my little boy. And I thanked God for the therapy I'd been through, and the growing toolbox I had to help not only myself but my children. I told O that everyone struggles to manage emotions at different times in life, and that's okay. Also, different people struggle with different emotions. Some people struggle managing feelings of anger, for some it’s fear, for some it’s jealousy, for some it’s other emotions. I shared with him that I struggled with the emotion Fear a lot for a long time. He raised his eyebrows, intently listening. I shared how I struggled to manage it well, and didn't have the ideas I needed for a while that truly helped me. There were many times my Fear got really big really fast, or stayed for a long time and I struggled to get rid of it or feel better. I told him I didn't always manage it well, or make the best choices because of how strong Fear felt inside. But I had lots of people that loved me and helped me, and I worked really really hard for a long time… and now (finally!) Fear isn't as challenging to manage as it used to be. I know better ways to manage it and help myself think and feel better sooner now. And I'm so grateful! I bore my testimony to him that I know he'd get there too. Learning, having the power to change choices, and feeling better was why Jesus died on the cross for us, atoned for us, and asked Heavenly Father to forgive us when we make mistakes. We have the gift to make it better with His help and love. I also told him that needing to learn is okay! I told him "You're a lot like me, buddy!" He smiled the most beautiful genuine little smile of comfort and connection in his pink-nosed, tear-streaked face and he hugged me tight and close, faces pressed together. I held him, squeezed him. He said "I'm crying happy tears again, Mom." And he was, much more than before. "Happy tears feel better than angry tears, don't they?" I said. O nodded. His face scrunched up in a new wave of emotion as he blinked tears from his eyes hard and then explosively threw his arms fiercely around my neck. I was crying happy tears too as I held him. We wiped our tears and smiled together, and I told him "Our bodies sure do interesting amazing things when we feel big emotions.” He agreed. I shared, "Did you know Jesus cried happy tears too? More than once!" He looked amazed as he asked, '"Really??" "Yes," I said. I told him we'd read about those stories soon. I also shared with him that it's okay that we feel anger; we all feel all kinds of feelings all the time and that's normal and it's okay! However, if we let anger get really big really fast, or if we hold onto it and let it stay too long, then Anger can start to tell our brains lies. Anger doesn't always tell the truth. I gave him some examples, some unrelated to his situation, and some related. He seemed to understand how the mental spiral worked with anger. We went through each thought track and analyzed if it was actually true or not in a scenario I made up to help him understand. I saw the lightbulbs go on in his sweet brain. Then I asked him, "O, when you said you might not ever hug Z again, did you actually mean it? Was that actually true?" He considered that quietly for a moment, brow furrowed. I clarified "Would you be happy if you never hugged Z ever again?" His response was an emotional immediate outburst of, "OF COURSE NOT!!!" I soothed him and stroked his hair as we talked, and I said, "Okay, so you do actually want to hug him again, right?" He nodded and said yes. "So when you said that to Z was that actually true that you wouldn't hug him again?" He shook his head, “No…” "Was that really you meaning that or was Anger talking and saying a lie through you?" He understood. "It was Anger talking!" he replied. "Yes," I confirmed. "But, who's mouth did it come out of? Z doesn't know it was one of Anger's lies that you said. He watched your mouth say that to him, and he believed it as true, so it made his heart feel really sad. If you want him to know the truth, you might want to tell him, and tell him it was Anger talking and not what you truly want, that way he'll know you love him and still want to hug him." O seemed strengthened in his desire to make things right. I was so touched and impressed with this sweet young boy, just 7 years old. He vocalized wanting to tell Z the truth and show love to his brother, so I called Z out. Z came over and sat on my other side, looking across me to O. I had Z apologize to O first for hurting him. Then I turned it over to O. O sat up and faced Z meekly, and said, "Z, when I said I didn't want to hug you ever again, I didn't really mean it. It was just anger talking." Z raised his eyebrows, "I'm confused. Really?" "Yes," O said, "and I do want to hug you!" O then got up and went to Z and hugged him tight. Z responded by melting into O and squeezing his brother back in a deep hug of renewed trust and comfort, face nestled against O’s arm, eyes squeezed shut in an expression of deep relief and joy. Then Z piped up, "O, I wish I just hugged you before!" Touched, O replied, "I wish I had just hugged you before/earlier too!" Then O sat back down for not even a second before Z jumped up and ran to O and hugged him more and more. They hugged and hugged. And then eventually went to play before going to their Ninja exercise class. One comment Z said really struck me. It was when he said, “I wish I just hugged you before!” It was also the look on his face when he said it. I felt the depth of that honest statement in my soul. How many times do we truly feel that way, deep down, if we’re honest with ourselves? When hurt rages within us, is there also a desperate yearning for that comfort of an act of love residing there, not being acted on? What stops us? Is it fear? Pride? “I wish I just hugged you before!” That moment between brothers taught me something special. And next time I have a misunderstanding with someone, hopefully I’ll remember to just hug…. And hopefully long before it becomes something I wish I had done. We should cultivate gratitude every day as part of who we are. This is where learning to see begins.
Infertility is a heartbreaking struggle for so many couples and individuals worldwide who wish to conceive and become parents. It can be especially difficult when doctors cannot find a specific reason for your infertility, leaving you in the dark trying to figure out what to focus on. Everyone's story is different, and what is right for your family planning is a deeply personal decision. Here is Adrienne's story on finding joy and hope while facing infertility. All my life, I’ve always wanted to be a mom. When I found the love of my life and we got married, and eventually felt it was time to have babies I was so excited. I was finally going to be a mom! But month after month after month, I wasn’t pregnant. We went to multiple doctors and found out what was wrong - nothing! How could that be? If nothing is wrong, then WHY was I not getting pregnant? It wasn’t supposed to be this hard! But alas, it was. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, which was devastating. We tried a few things from medication to changing our diets and one round of IUI (intrauterine insemination), which were all unsuccessful. After 5 years, we were feeling defeated. We wanted to be parents so badly, to sing our own baby to sleep and push our own children on the swings, and have our own baby to love. But nothing seemed to be working. We took a few months off from “worrying about it” (spoiler alert: there’s no such thing; when you’re dealing with infertility, you’re ALWAYS worrying about it).
A few months passed by where we didn’t take any action and just tried to enjoy the stage we were in. We served in our church, went on trips and dates, took our dog for drives, and all kinds of fun things to keep us busy. And it was such a wonderful time for us! Throughout our journey with infertility, although it was devastating and really hard at times, we also put a lot of effort into our marriage and did our best to cherish the time we had to live just the two of us, and I believe it made a world of a difference in our level of happiness. A few months later, we went on a fun date up the mountains to roast marshmallows and enjoy the fresh air. We inevitably brought up the topic of our babies and what our next steps would be. I suddenly felt like it was time for us to really consider adoption. We had thought about it in the past and had prayed about it, wanting it to be the right thing, but it just never felt like it was. But in this moment, I felt strongly that we needed to look into it and move towards that option. I said that to my husband, and he looked at me and said, “I’ve been feeling the same way.” We wasted literally no time. We talked about it excitedly the rest of the evening, and the next day we were meeting with families who have adopted children to learn about the process and where to begin. In just a few weeks, we got our home study started, marketed ourselves to expectant moms, and were in the thick of the process. Only two weeks after we had shared our hopes to adopt a baby, we were introduced to an expectant couple who was considering placing their baby for adoption. We met them and felt an immediate connection, and soon after they chose us to be the parents to their baby girl, due in December 2018, just two months later. We had never felt so excited and hopeful. We continued building our relationship with them, as we all wanted an open adoption, and when baby girl was born, we got to be there and experience it all together. It was such a special moment in my life. We went home two days later with our perfect daughter, Quinley, and my heart felt whole, but also broken for her sweet birth parents, who left the hospital with empty arms. Although they chose this and wanted it for their daughter more than anything, I know it was still the most difficult decision they’ve ever made, and so leaving was bittersweet. We were sure our hearts couldn’t be any fuller, and we were happier than ever. But there was even more joy awaiting us than we could have imagined! A young girl that was a friend of ours from church was expecting a baby boy and she was going to parent him, but wanted to consider adoption. She came to our home and chatted with us about what our open adoption looked like with Quinley and her birth parents, and said, “If I could have something like that, I think I could do this.” I couldn’t hold back my words when I told her not to count us out if that was the decision she made. She lit up and was so excited and happy, but said she needed to think about it. Not a week later, she told us she had chosen us to adopt her baby boy, due in 3 months (May 2019). So 5 months after our daughter was born, we were in a hospital room just like before, expecting the arrival of our baby BOY. Again, it was one of the most special moments of my entire life. I will never forget holding his birth mom’s hand, as her baby boy entered into the world, and then her looking at me and saying, “You have a son!” I cried tears for both of us, but mostly for her. The emotions that come with adoption are heavy and hard and complicated. But the joy that fills everyone’s heart through a healthy, open adoption is priceless. I have learned so much and grown more than I can say through these experiences. I want to share a few of those lessons with you.
Trials are hard and sometimes they don’t make sense. But we can learn from them, grow from them, and best of all, know that they will not last forever, and there is likely a beautiful outcome waiting for you, even better than you can imagine. |
AuthorHey, I'm Nat! While I post the majority of posts, I also open up this space for guest posts and stories from dear friends of mine that have inspired me and hopefully will inspire you too! Archives
April 2024
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